7. Making sweet love to the post-mastectomy woman!

Yeah, no…

And by that I mean hahahahahaha!

Or to put it another way, abandon hope all ye’ who do not enter here.

Sex is not in the cards for you, my friend. This is some major surgery crap that has gone down with your partner, and even though as a dude you think about sex ever 10 to 15 seconds, you really need to to put the love of your life out of your dirty little mind for the time being.

Seriously. For the fist two weeks, I couldn’t roll over in bed without hearing a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the mattress, as the covers had rubbed her the wrong way and the oxy hadn’t managed to dull the rubbing sensation.

Yes, the downstairs may not have been effected by this home renovation, but women are complicated creatures. Unlike men, who would try to have sex even with a lawn-dart sticking through their hand, the planets must align just right for female sexual desire to fully flower. And in this case, one of the planets just had their boobs lopped off, so… it is not on.

Also, did we talk about oxy? There ain’t nothing about being constipated and nauseous that makes a woman feel like having you crawl all over her. Frankly, you can barely get away with a hug without her wincing in pain and you feeling like you’ve just assaulted the only person who make living worth while.

For the next month, it is done.

So porn it up, bucko. Or channel that energy into being a better husband. It might be some comfort that she probably misses you too. It’s just that her body doesn’t know it yet.