53. Once more with feeling... or the ( hopefully) final Cancer Eradication surgery

I’m fucking tired. There i said it. I’ve heard all along things are cumulative and for certain they are. But the thing assuredly I have noticed within this journey is how very much I have “managed” my energy. I see it as I draw closer to the proverbial “finish line” . How I am now giving energy again to stupid things that I didn’t earlier this year. Fears and anxiety I had no room for.

Thing is friends, Cancer shakes your whole world, but those “voices”? You may think they go away, and they do cause :survival. But chances are they have been growing far longer than your cancer ever started , so when you are starting to feel better they “reappear”, like an old friend who no longer fits into your life anymore. If you are lucky you recognize them for what they are, and figure the process by which to relieve them of any power they might have has over you. Cause at the end of the day the brain is indeed the strongest muscle.

Beyond this, is how I’ve noticed how both Collin and I kept gradually stretching our bandwidth, as we ebbed closer to the proverbial finish line. We are both becoming increasingly exhausted, and the positive “pregnancy” just about broke us both. The amount of energy spent , trying to get a definitive on something that seemed improbable, and if probable would end up most likely being a tale too many women are having to tell with regards to non-viable pregnancies and their termination.

In dealing with the minute prospect it being a possibility the severity and how actually complicated this kidney surgery would be was lost in the morass of stress we were both trying to shove down.

And it was complicated, a 3 cm tumor in the middle of my kidney that looked on a screen incredibly similar to a small embryo. A tumor so deep that as my surgeon stated “ There are only a few surgeons who can do this surgery. Most other surgeons would simply toss it a bucket.” So here we were. One more surgery, One last eradication.

There’s a little fog in the tunnel right now, but you can still see the light.

Let’s hope it shines, and has me waking up with two kidneys, but if not…we will soldier on.