61. I feel like I've been here before... or, how the lessons I learned from a decade of loss prepared me for "Shelter-In-Place" and may help you.
It’s been seven days since we’ve committed to “Self Isolation” amidst the COVID19 pandemic. It’s also been the first time in a week that I haven’t felt semi-paralyzed and unable to focus.
For the past two weeks my chest has been gripped with anxiety, as well as mucus from a head cold, which has been playing it’s own fucked up game of “Am I or Aren’t I? “ COVID19 ? And I know I am not the only one.
Ever the eternal optimist, through the haze of my panicked paralysis, I realize that while uncomfortable, this is a place I have known before. Sudden irrevocable change has been a semi-constant for the last decade of my life and it still triggers anxiety, but it also has taught me a shitload. And as I am remembering these insights, I thought I would share same, in case they can help anyone else.
Everyone around me is possibly my mom: In 2003 my mom was put in “reverse isolation”, her immune system had been decimated by intense chemo and a stem cell transplant and for ten weeks she was in a room where everyone who entered had to scrub down for fear of giving her any sort of virus. While we have some idea who the COVID19 may hit harder, I’m treating the world as if they are my mom, trying to keep my movement limited and following doctor’s orders.
What you NEED is so much less than you think: We are consumers. Americans in particular like their “stuff”. I’ve always lived in small apartments that limit my space so my stuff has always been relatively minimal. When Cheri, my Mom, came home from the hospital after living out of a suitcase for three months, all she wanted was a “dumpster”, because she realized that most of the “stuff” she had wasn’t important. In a time where you have no control, you do have the control to access what is “necessary” specifically in things that are taking up your space, and even your email feed. Perhaps now is a good time to take a good long hard look at that.
It’s okay to not be okay: If there is one thing I’ve learned in losing my Mom, my Dad, my Uncle, my college roommate, my first love, my good friend, our house, and my health over the last decade, it is that ignoring the feelings that seem “yucky” doesn’t make them go away. In Gary Marshall’s biography “Wake Me When it’s Funny”, he talks about allowing himself 15 minutes a day to feel “sorry for himself”. While maybe not enough time, I am still trying to learn that what you consume has a large impact on your overall outlook. So if you are someone who is trying to push those feelings away, clock 15 minutes, and dig into them. If necessary go to Talk Space , or any number of other online therapy offerings. You maybe not feeling as productive as you want to be, and THAT’S OKAY. Be gentle with yourself.
They can’t eat you: Everyone I know including myself is panicking about bills, specifically rent and mortgages, because most of us have suddenly lost our jobs. As our leaders try and figure out what to do, there are somethings you CAN do immediately to help yourself.
Pause automatic payments. If you need a little more breathing room, it allows you to control when those payments go out, and how much they should be. This link is great info in deciding what decisions to make.
Most installment loans ( cars, etc) have an option to “skip a payment”. Call or go online to your Loan Provider and find out.
Pay attention to the information coming out of your local officials office. When it comes to rent and mortgage moratoriums
Social safety nets ARE there - USE THEM! I know countless people who were raised being taught that taking unemployment insurance means that somehow they had “failed” or become a “welfare queen” (Thanks REAGAN) . Thing is, those are benefits you have PAID INTO . It is technically YOUR MONEY. Would you turn down SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS?! When I had to take eight weeks off, post surgery, I was terrified. I work for one of the most esteemed Health Club chains in the world, and while I taught anywhere from 10-15 classes a week, because it is still a corporation, and the number isn’t 30 hours, I was pretty much “shit out of luck” for the short term disability that I had paid into. ( I didn’t read the fine print). I live in California, which often gets a bad rep for high taxes, but it’s because of this that even as a part-time worker I was eligible for short term compensation, because the state equated ALL of my work from all my income. As such, a lot of people think they are NOT eligible for unemployment, but that is not necessarily true. Go online and apply. You maybe surprised, even if you are self employed. For those who can’t go to work because they are sick or have a compromised immune system, depending on the state, you maybe eligible for short term disability as well. You simply don’t know til you ask.
Look for the Helpers: In times of extreme crises, people will reveal their true nature. Some will pay lip service, others will ACT. When I was going through Chemo, the amount of “helpers” who stepped up was overwhelming. It’s true actions speak louder than words. All over the country people have been setting up links to Google docs like this one figuring out how they can help. In this case it’s the one place where social media is helpful. Site like Nextdoor and Facebook groups for your neighborhood offer places to both connect to be a helper and be helped.
Virtual Face Time: While I made a couple of short trips while undergoing chemo , surgeries, etc. I pretty much had a semi broadened version of “Shelter-in-Place” . For a good 18 months I pretty much did not see my family, limited time out with my friends. Because I (somewhat irrationally) was afraid of losing my job, I would go work and mostly stay home. It wasn’t til over a year later that I got to see my whole family, my in laws, my Grandma, and give them a giant hug. In that time FACETIME and SKYPE, were indispensable. Currently ZOOM is free to sign up for and you can do a group meet-up for up to ten people for an hour for free. I’ve done virtual HH with my friends, an acting class, and a mini reunion with my high school friends and in a time of isolation it does a great job of making you realize your not alone.
Move Your Body: Science has proven that exercise reduces stress and builds immunity. If you are an active gym goer, chances are your routine has been changed pretty drastically. Sites like Beach Body On Demand, Daily Burn, Unicorn Wellness and Grokker have giant video libraries of workouts that range from pilates to heavy lifting bootcamps, and in this crises they are offering anywhere from two weeks to 60 days free trials. You can access them via the web, or in some cases use their app. If you are someone who wants more interaction, countless instructors are hosting live workouts on IGTV and Zoom, take a look at your fitness friends and see what they are up to. even Equinox is offering their variety of classes through @Variis on IGTV. All you need to do is a search, and it will present you with a ton of options.
Write it Down: Throughout my life I’ve been a sporadic journaler. When I got my second cancer diagnosis on the followup of my first, I thought it might put me out of commission for a while. So I started this blog, because at the end of it I knew I would look back and it would be a blur. Also being forced to slow down, it gave me a lot of time to explore where I was in my life, my own mortality, and what I wanted to do with my time on this planet. I’m a big fan of just a simply pad and paper, but there are a number on online journaling products that can help if you fill stuck . Also books like 712 Things To Write About , is a great prompter.
Change is Inevitable: Getting Cancer is not a choice. how you deal with it, is. There can’t be growth without change. And frankly change that is forced upon you fucking sucks. How you decide to deal with it, will determine, how painful it feels.
Good luck friends, we’re in this together, no matter how isolated we may need to be.